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Friday, August 24th, 2001
8:25 am
I got a haircut yesterday. It's the same length but it has a few long layers now. Somebody please tell me they like it. *sniffle* I don't care if you haven't even seen it, the people who HAVE seen it haven't said a word, even if they KNEW I was getting a haircut, so I'm starved for attention. ;-) Blah, I have to clean out my car today. And finish packing totally. How sad. On the bright side, Kevan O'Malley and I are going to find a pirate ship and run away and become pirates. Yarrrr.

current mood: devious

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Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
7:35 am
It's 7:30 and I've been awake for over an hour. How sick and wrong is that? On the bright side, I found out that my friend Kevan is an aspiring pirate. Yarrrr! You know what's really strange about me? I feel guilty for everything that's not really my fault, but then sometimes when there's something that I should feel guilty for, I don't. It's very strange. I was just thinking about that aspect of my personality b/c I was talking about Crime and Punishment with Audrey, which she loved, and I hated. Okay, granted, I didn't actually READ it, but I know everything about it (and got a 9 on the essay, hehe). I hate how that guy thinks he has reasonable basis for committing murder and everything and then he finally does it, but then he can't get the fuck over it. I mean, he obviously can't fix it, so he needs to either move on or turn himself in. I can't stand it that he spends the ENTIRE book, and this is a pretty hefty book, waffling back and forth and hinting that he did something bad, and suffering from his guilt and wa wa WA. I guess I'm just way more decisive than that. If I do something bad and wrong, I'll either confess it or get over it, so I don't have to deal with the debilitation of endless guilt. Usually I'm one to confess it, but occasionally I choose to move on and keep my dirty little secret to myself. Mwahahah. Anyway, that was a discussion that I had the other night and I woke up thinking about it randomly. And yeah, did I mention that it's disgustingly early? I'm going to find some food.

current mood: reckless

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
9:09 am
The first couple stanzas of I Do by Lisa Loeb are a good description of how I feel. But don't jump to conclusions. Ask me for my crazy interpretation if you want it.

When I'm done with thinking, then I'm done with you
When I'm done with crying, then I'm done with you
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way

And I do
You can't hear it but I do
You can't hear it but I do.

You're trying to convince me that what I've done's not right
I get so frustrated, I stay up every night
You ask me for an answer, and I'm so tired and I'm up in the air
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way

And I do.

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9:02 am
My life is being packed away in boxes. I'm not remembering anything in time to make it better. I hate fucking up and I don't like boxes. So square and perfect and containing. Last night I was happy and sad all at once. That leaves me with nothing. I am emptied. I'm not sure if I like it or I hate it. I just have to remind myself to think. Always think. If I stop, bad things never fail to happen. I'm going to post another journal with the lyrics from a song that this situation makes me think of.

current mood: heavy/responsible

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Sunday, August 19th, 2001
9:08 am
I got a new printer. :) Karen likes new stuff. John is winning the war of Ricky's dick at the moment, which is very bad. I need to get creative NOW. I was planning on going to church with the family this morning since it's my last sunday at home, but I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. I've been feeling really frazzled lately b/c there's SO much I have to do before I leave. eek. I really want to eat ice cream for breakfast, that's the kind of mood I'm in, but my mom is in the kitchen and I know she'd freak out. I think I'll take a shower instead. Anela, I think I'm keeping the purple hair. :)

current mood: sleepy

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Saturday, August 18th, 2001
10:49 am
Audrey came over last night so it was fun to get to see her. My hair is purple and streaky and it's kinda cool but I'm not sure if I like it. I started packing my stuff for college and it's really crazy around here. I went to school and saw some old teachers yesterday. Renshaw gave me a wilted rose (god only knows where he got it from) and told me that this is what his class is like without me. hehehe. He's a funny guy. John is composing a song for me. I have an awful feeling that it's going to be about Ricky. That's a long story, if you want to know, ask me. I think I'm going to start a different livejournal when I go to college. New phase, new journal... makes sense to me. If I do I'll send everyone my name of course. Oh... Anela, how is Matt doing? James, how was CO? Freddy... oh wait, you probably won't read this. Never mind. I have to go take Audrey home now. Bye.

current mood: content

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Monday, August 13th, 2001
11:26 am
Remind me never to have kids. Believe me, it'll be doing them a favor. Sarah McLachlan says "what kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on despite everything it's doing to me?" All I want is I don't know what I want. My wants contradict each other. Doesn't do me any good either. Or change any of this shit. I feel like getting really really really fucked up on drugs or alcohol but I know I won't b/c I don't know how to get them or where to do them and oh well it's bad for me anyway. Damn the smurfs.

current mood: depressed

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8:37 am
I'm a bad person. I'm confused. But mostly just bad. DIE DIE DIE BADNESS

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Sunday, August 12th, 2001
6:19 pm
Two good things happened today...
I met a guy named Keenan at Starbucks. He works there but wasn't working this morning, but he knew that I usually go there on Sunday mornings, so he came because he wanted to introduce himself. We ended up having a great conversation for literally 2 hours. He's the most interesting person I've met in a year. At least. And then he e-mailed me and his e-mail went like this
you're beautiful
keenan
That was it. I was melting. It's been a while since anyone has been that nice to me.

The other good thing is that Brad is home. I thought he was coming home tomorrow, but he's back already and he's IMing me. That makes me happy.

The bad thing is that this day has overall been FUCKING HORRIBLE CRAPINESS and I want to cry and scream and throw things and curl up in a little ball and die. I really want to talk to someone, but I don't know who or what I would say. So I'll just keep it to myself like I usually do.

current mood: pessimistic

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Saturday, August 11th, 2001
10:17 am
Last night I went to see Original Sin. Very twisted, a little slow at times, but interesting. And lots of nakedness. Lots. Antonio Banderas is hairy. eeewww. But he has a nice ass. ;-) Freddy says Angelina Jolie has saggy boobs, but I think she's gorgeous. Freddy doesn't comment about Antonio Banderas. hehe. On the subject of hariness, a certain extent is fine, but I really hate it when guys have this huge amount of chest hair. UNsexy. Okay, I'm sure everyone wanted to know that. Hey, does anyone reading this understand the multiverse theory of quantum physics? If so, please contact me. Haha, in my dreams. Yes, I do really need to know about it, for all of you who are reading this thinking "what's she trying to pull now." Ooh, you know what I really hate? People who act all cute and innocent but are secretly bitchy whores. Or something along those lines. I mean, if you're going to be a bitchy whore, act like a bitchy whore. I don't like facades, because I can see through the majority of them and it pisses me off. A lot. GRRRRRRRR. Run away. Yes, this is directed at a specific person, someone who will never read this, but I started thinking about it and a lot of people are like that. One of my biggest pet peeves. Another one of my biggest pet peeves is when... my mind just went blank and my train of thought crashed. Be happy everyone, you've just been saved from a whining session. Woohoo. I need food.

current mood: peevish

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Friday, August 10th, 2001
8:51 am
Shiva shed his skin for the 4th time in his little life last night. I'm such a proud mommy. :) Other than that, last night sucked. I was supposed to go out with Chris Mathew but he forgot. Then I hoped to go out with Freddy, but he had other things that he had to do. So I went to Starbucks and read for a while and listened to this group of Christians bash non-Christians, then came back and read and wasted time. It was boring and got me in a pretty depressed mood. I tried to call my roommates but I got their answering machines. I left them my e-mail address so hopefully I'll have a response at some point. I was talking to my mom and suddenly realized that I seriously need to get organized and consider what I want to take to college with me and all that fun stuff. Aaaahhh. Also, I'm not sure if I should tell my roomies about Shiva. I mean, definitely not the first time I talk to them, but they probably deserve a little warning, right? I specifically requested that I be placed with people that aren't afraid of snakes, but my bet is that the college didn't bother to ask. Oh well, we shall see. I got new underwear yesterday. :) Victoria's Secret is bad for the bank account. *sigh* That's what I get for succumbing to shopping urges. Oh well.

current mood: sleepy

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Thursday, August 9th, 2001
9:53 am
I slept. Which is good. My roommate still hasn't replied to my e-mail, which is not so good. I think I'm going to play Scrabble for a while and then swim until I have to go to the doctor. I've been fighting down shopping urges all week this week. I wonder how long I can hold out.

current mood: blah

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Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
4:12 pm
I saw Shanks today!!! Yay!!! I also got a little bit tanner than I was, which is another good thing. Yeah, the other day I woke up and thought, "wow, I'm going to California in 3 weeks and I'm the whitest person I know." Anyway, I'm trying to remedy that situation. The pool is really nice. I couldn't sleep last night b/c I was thinking about the multiverse theory in quantum physics. Yes, this is me, Karen Muller, the anti-math/science person, but I have to know about this stuff for my writing. It's way over my head, but pretty interesting. Unfortunately, it requires so much concentration that it deprived me of sleep. *sigh* Oooh, I'm reading The Princess Bride. How cool is that? hehehe.

current mood: bouncy

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
9:19 am
My head hurts. Owwwww. But I've been on too much extra-strength tylenol lately anyway, so I'll probably just deal with it. I could go to Starbucks and see if the guy is working that gives me free drinks. :) Wait, no I couldn't. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth and I'm in my pajamas. UNsexy. Next option... go see if there's anything decent to eat in this house. Which there probably isn't. Except, of course, my chocolate pie. I had this HUGE craving for chocolate pie last night so Freddy drove me to Albertson's (which for the record, has a CRAPPY pie selection) and then to Tom Thumb, where I successfully completed my quest. It was quite yummy. I still have half of it in the fridge if the kids haven't found it *crosses fingers* But I can't eat it for breakfast. Wait, what am I talkign about? Sure I can. But not if the kids are in the kitchen, b/c then they'll whine and mom will get mad about me not sharing, but then she won't want me to share b/c it's too early and yeah, not worth the hassle. Riiight. Wait, she just came in and told me that she's taking the kids to the dentist. Yay for pie for breakfast! :)

current mood: sleepy

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Friday, August 3rd, 2001
11:31 am
Stephanie and I are in Austin!!!! Here is our trip so far...
We stopped in Hillsborough on the way out and shopped at the outlet mall. I got a jean skirt and some sparkly belts. We're staying at the La Quinta downtown which is an okay hotel in a good location. Then we got all dressed up and made up and everything and walked down to 6th street to go clubbing. We got down there around 9:45 and it was pretty dead so we walked around and got yelled at by lots and lots of guys and stuff. We found a couple clubs that were 18 and up (they're mostly 21 and up here) and got them to stamp our hands even though we weren't going in yet so we wouldn't have to pay a covercharge later. At one of them there was this really tall Jamaican doorman who, ahem, took a fancy to me. He asked me for my number and he was being all huggy and stuff so I told him "If you're lucky" and walked out. We came by twice more over the next few hours and both times he asked me and both times I told him "If you're lucky" much to the amusement of the other doormen. Then we ended up dancing for a few hours at another club (with a HOT bartender) which was kinda fun, although really nothing is happening on Thursday night so it was pretty empty and nasty guys kept trying to rub themselves up against me (why can't they do that to Steph, she's obviously just as attractive as me *pout*). We danced with each other though and had a pretty good time, then I had an inspiration. We borrowed a pen and a napkin from the HOT bartender and I wrote:
373-2666 if I see you tomorrow night I'll give you the area code (if you're lucky) ;-)
Then we started walking back to the hotel and on the way we passed the Jamaican guy. I dropped the napkin into his hand, said "told ya" and kept right on walking. Behind me, I could hear him and the other doormen laughing as they read it. Guess what the number I gave him spells?
Dream On
Hehehehe. Stephanie and I thought that was very smooth and funny. If I see him tonight I'm going to tell him my area code is 394 (FYI) or else I'm going to write another napkin that says "I have a boyfriend, so you're shit out of luck." lol.
Anyway, right now Steph is still sleeping and I'm booooored. Later on we're going to go to my FAVORITE store though so I'm really excited. If she ever wakes up. And if I ever get food, which I need SOON. Yeah well I'm going to stop babbling now. bye.

current mood: bouncy

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Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
2:31 pm - my trip and an observation about smurfs
I just endured the 10 days from HELL.

Bright side: I met a guy named Brad who lives in Irving and is going to be a senior at A&M. He's the most adorable thing I've ever seen, he's really nice, and my mom wants to adopt him. He called me from New Mexico today and we're going to hang out when he gets home in 2 weeks. I also went to Santa Fe with my mom and bought a few interesting new clothes and enjoyed a night in a real bed.

Down side: I went to the hospital twice, vomited for 3 nights straight until my stomach muscles were so sore I could barely sit up (and I have pretty damn good muscles, so that's a LOT of vomiting), and had to get an IV, which I'm terrified of. I also slept with 4 other members of my family in a tiny, cement room with cracked, bloodstained walls (don't ask me how they got bloodstained, I don't know, nor do I want to) and no air conditioning. On top of that, I was BORED out of my MIND b/c there's nothing to do there, and I had to listen to John and Brandon discuss their close-minded religious ideas and hear about their beliefs (including that a woman's proper place is at home raising children, cooking, and cleaning and that homosexuality is a sin). Then my mom decided to take the SCENIC route on the way home and there were NO BATHROOMS for like 6 hours straight and we had to pee on the side of the road and Sarah got carsick and we ended up staying at some boonie motel. In the morning we had to leave my dad there b/c he was too sick to stand the car trip (he'll fly back when he's well), which resulted in me driving for 6 hours. Brandon, luckily, drove the other 3. Oh, and did I mention that I suddenly discovered that the medicine they gave me for my infection DIDN'T WORK so I was in HORRIBLE pain and we had to stop at some random pharmacy in West Texas and BEG our nurse at home (from the payphone) to call in a prescription for me. Luckily, she did and we eventually made it back mostly in one piece, but it was NOT fun.

Brightest side: I'M HOME!!!!!!!!!

Interesting observation: I noticed that I only think about the smurf song when I'm generally content. Even when I'm in a pissy mood at home, if my life is generally going okay, I'll think of the smurf song. But in New Mexico, when I was absolutely miserable, not a single LA appeared in my mind until I found out that we were going home a day early and that Brad was going to keep in touch and all. Then it came back full force.

Conclusion: Only happy people sing the Smurf song. I must be a happier person than I suspected.

current mood: blah

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Sunday, July 15th, 2001
10:08 am
I'm so bad about keeping up w/ this thing. Hmm... my main event lately was that I went dancing w/ Billy and TJ. Soooo fun! We got back to TJ's around 2:30 and I stayed up talking to TJ until 5. (I don't know WHAT my mother was thinking, but for some reason I was allowed to spend the night w/ him) When we woke up we ate oreos and played Scrabble and then Billy came over and we ordered pizza and played some more funny games. I was planning to go home around 10 and get some stuff done, but I ended up getting home at like 5. Oops. hehe. It was tons of fun though. I also got to get dressed up in sexy makeup and dark red nail polish and stuff, which is always entertaining. Yesterday I saw Legally Blonde which is actually quite funny. I like it much better than Clueless. Anyway, I'm going to check my mail now.

current mood: aggravated

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Thursday, July 12th, 2001
9:37 am
I went through the traumatic event of getting contacts yesterday. Now, when I came up with this bright idea, I forgot two minor details...
#1 I can't stand it when anyone or anything approaches my eye. I freak out physically and emotionally for some unexplained reason.
#2 I have (well, had) long nails, and it's hard to hold up your eyelid w/ long nails b/c you tend to scratch your eyeball which is rather painful.

So anyway, I went to the doctor and after he finally got my contacts in, which was NOT fun for either of us, the girl showed me how to take them out. Taking them out wasn't too bad, although I did freak out slightly... the really bad part started when I tried to put them in. After 30 minutes I had tried a million times, my eyes hurt like hell, and I was starting to cry for no reason. They told me to go away and come back in an hour or so to try again. I went outside and burts into tears. I sobbed for like 15 minutes for no apparent reason. I was frustrated that I couldn't get the contacts in, but certainly not THAT frustrated, and my eyes hurt, but not nearly THAT badly. For some reason, just poking things near my eye got a really emotional reaction in me. Anyway, things eventually worked out but it was a horrible experience from which I am still recovering. *falls swooning to the couch and fans herself madly with a handkerchief* I had to cut off my beautiful nails and now my hands look all stubby and yucky. I'm gonna name my kid Stubby. These are the names of my kids so far...
#1 Dave Cave
#2 Google
#3 Stubby
I'm also considering naming one Smurfy, but I haven't decided on that one yet. Anyway, I'm going swimming w/ my mom and sister now. Bye.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
10:27 pm
2 econ
3 spanish
4 govt
5 english

la LA lala la la. I went to a speed reading course thingy tonight and now my eyes hurt but I can already read faster if I try. TJ met me in Ft. Worth for dinner, which was fun. I'm going out w/ him and Billy on Thursday. woohoo. Tomorrow morning I'm going to get contacts. Scary people poking my eyes. uh-oh. I'm not sleepy. That's bad. I'm going to force myself to sleep. Tried that last night. haha. Very effective. la LA lala la la

current mood: smurfy

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4:46 am
The format of this page is all screwy again. FIX IT. It's fucking 4:46 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. I'm practically a zombie, but every time I lie down I'm wide awake again. On the bright side, Freddy is waking up in 15 minutes. Maybe I'll call him and surprise him. The smurf song is going through my head incessantly. I think I'm going to hang out w/ Brian Mayberry or however the hell you spell his last name later today if I can grab a couple hours' sleep. *crosses fingers* Until then I'll think smurfy thoughts with my foggy dysfunctional brain. I'm talking to Steph. She's in Englant and it's almost 11 am there. lol. I'm bitter. My shoulder hurts. Would anyone like me to continue bitching? I didn't think so. Going away now. Hope everyone had a nice cozy SLEEP. *stares around crazily w/ bloodshot eyes*

current mood: numb

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